If I Die Before You Wake (Letters From the Moon)
by sartiebodyshots
Summary: When Ben finds out he's going to the moon, he decides to write down the last things he wants to say to his brothers and his dad (just in case).
1. Prologue

Ben knows, deep down, that going to the moon is almost definitely a suicide mission. He doesn't want to admit it to anyone else, but it's true.

It's not that big of a deal for him, except Dad will be there, too. He wishes that someone else had been picked to go with him. Anyone else, really, except Hal.

The thing that bothers him most, though, is that there are things he never got to say to his brothers. And his dad, for that matter, if somehow only one of them survives.

Ben scrounges up a pencil and some paper and writes, wiping his eyes every once in a while. It's harder than he thought, figuring out the last things that he would want to tell the people he loves most, but he writes anyway, three letters that the seals with some tape. He scrawls Hal's name on one, Matt's one on the last, and Dad on the final one.

"Can I talk to you for a second, Weaver?" Ben finds himself in front of the only person he would trust to do this.

"Sure," Weaver says, resting a hand on Ben's shoulder and leading him towards a secluded place.

"I need you to do me a favor," Ben says, fingering the letters under his jacket. It's kinda surreal. He's asking for a favor for when he dies later this week.

"Nobody's gonna think less of you if you don't want to go," Weaver says, and Ben can tell he's trying not to smile.

"It's not that." Ben takes a deep breath and hands Weaver the letters. "If I don't come back, will you deliver these for me? Please?"

Weaver doesn't say anything, just takes the letters and pulls Ben close. Ben is startled, but relaxes into the embrace.

"You're a good kid," he murmurs in Ben's ear.

Weaver tucks the letters into his jacket with a heavy heart, pats Ben's face, and goes to put the letters somewhere secure, just in case. They're surprisingly heavy, considering they're just three little pieces of paper.


	2. Hal's Letter

Dear Hal,

I know this is the last thing I'll ever say to you, and that's okay, because if Dad and I finish the job, you and Matt and everyone else will be way safer. And we're a little price to pay for that. If we didn't finish the job, at least I'm out of your hair, right?

There's so much I have to make up for, and I know that I never really could, but I hope that you'll be able to forgive me somehow. I never meant for everything to spiral so wildly out of control with Maggie, I promise.

I'm really glad that you'll be here for Matt. He's going to be upset, no matter how much he tries to deny it, and I'm glad he won't be alone. There's no better big brother out there.

I know that, especially before, I was a real ass to you sometimes. I don't know if you remember, but one time you were teasing me about my glasses and then I yelled at you and said that I wished I never had a big brother, that I couldn't wait for you to leave for college.

It was one of those dumb things that people say when they're mad, and I always regretted saying it. I just never knew how to tell you, so I'm telling you now. Better late than never, right?

I used to be so jealous of you, all the time. You were so cool and everyone (especially the girls) liked you so much, and I knew I could never be cool like you were. I probably should have tried to understand you a little more, because it couldn't have all been as easy as I thought.

I'm sorry it took aliens invading for me to be more understanding.

Like, don't get me wrong, a lot of the last few years have sucked because of the whole alien invasion thing, and the whole spikes stuck in my back thing, and the whole eyeworm thing, and so many other things, but I can't hate it all because at least we're way closer than we ever would have been.

Mom would be proud.

If someone asked me before whether or not I thought you'd risk your life to save mine, I would have snorted and said no way, but now I know way better. I know you wish you were going in my place, or at least coming with me so you can watch over me, but this is better. This way, Matt will have someone to watch over him and make sure he grows up right. You were really good at taking care of both of us when Dad was on the spaceship (even if I was being a brat again), and you'll be good at taking care of him now.

I know we never say it because it's not manly, or we're self-conscious, or whatever, but since I'm dead, I don't have to worry about that: I really love you, Hal. You're a great brother, and I love you. I wish I had told you more before now.

-Ben  
>P.S. I also secretly paid attention to your lacrosse games. I thought you were the best player on the field (okay, maybe that was because I didn't totally understand what was happening, but I was still always excited for you. I was always so proud you're my brother)<p> 


	3. Matt's Letter

Dear Matt,

I'm sorry for leaving you again, I really am, but remember you're not alone. I never would have put my name in if I thought you'd be alone. You've got Hal- you'll always have Hal. I know that you already know, but he's a great brother, and he'd do anything to keep you safe.

But you've got to do something for him, okay?

You've got to keep yourself safe, too. No running headlong into the nearest skitter nest or into whatever dangerous things comes up next. Even though you're more mature than either Hal or me were when we were your age, you're still a kid and that's good. Being Hal's little brother can be a pretty cool gig.

You already know that, though. You figured it out way before I did, even though I had a big head start. (You're the smart one, really)

I know that you've gotta be feeling mad and sad and I can't imagine what else, but I've got some awesome advice that Dad told me a while ago to pass along, as older brothers should. You're gonna hate them, and I get that, but you can't let it eat you up. Otherwise they win, and nobody wants that. There's always hope, somewhere.

After all, now that we blew up their base on the moon, the aliens don't have a power source anymore, which means now everyone can fight back. Humanity has a better shot at taking the planet back now than we ever have. I know the skitters don't have a shot against you guys.

I have another important thing to tell you: I have a secret stash of chocolate under my bed. It's all yours. I was saving it up for your next birthday, anyway. Happy early birthday, by the way.

Most of all, I want you to know how much I love you. I was really nervous about being a big brother, when I found out that you were gonna be born. What if I was a terrible big brother? What if you hated me? What if you were smelly and gross? But you were the most exciting thing that ever happened. The best.

Our family got even better once you arrived. I don't think that you could ever appreciate how much better.

I really hope that I was able to let you know how important you are before now. I hope you know. Maybe none of this will make any sense until you're older (except the chocolate and how awesome Hal is), but hey, at least then I'll still be passing on something important to you in the years to come.

I know you'll grow up to be the very best kind of person. You already are.

-Ben


	4. Dad's Letter

Dear Dad,

If, somehow, you're getting this letter, then it means that I didn't make it back from the moon, but you did.

I wrote this because I wrote notes to Matt and Hal, and if this happens, I didn't want you to not have a note. There are a lot of thing I want to tell you, and, well, even more things I should tell you if I'm dead.

Whatever happened, it's not your fault, and I'm really glad that it worked out this way, instead of vice versa. People really need you, Dad. I don't mean just Hal and Matt either, even though they need you most.

You inspire people. You help keep them going when times get harder than usual- it's how we made it this far in the first place, and everyone is gonna need that to finish the job and get rid of the Espheni. And that's what's most important, right?

When I was a little kid (and even after), I wanted to grow up to be you, pretty much. I thought you knew everything and that you were the coolest person ever. Now that I'm older, I know that you're actually a huge nerd and that you only know a lot of things, not _everything_, but I still always looked up to you. I've always looked up to you so much, and I only look up to you more and more each day.

I really hope that you're proud of me, Dad. I've always wanted to make you so proud. I couldn't do it the way I wanted to at first, after the invasion, but I hope that something, anything I did after makes you proud.

Obviously, I don't know what happened, or why I died and you survived, but I know I don't regret it, as long as you're okay. And just think, Dad, maybe I'll get to see Mom again.

So please, please don't blame yourself. I know you blamed yourself when I got taken by the skitters the first time and about every bad thing that's happened after that, and I know you're hating yourself right now, but it's not your fault and I'm okay with this. If I'm okay with it, you should be too.

Everyone needs you, Dad. Everyone. But most people will be fine with me gone, happier, even. They won't even be able to say mean things about me anymore, since I'll have died a hero and all. And as long as you and Hal and Matt have each other, I know you'll be okay.

I love you, Dad, and I'm really glad that you're alive to read this.

-Ben


	5. Discovery

A few weeks later Hal is looking for something in Weaver's sleeping space when three pieces of paper flutter to the floor. He goes put them back in Weaver's jacket when he sees his name. The other pieces of paper say Matt and Dad, and it's Ben's writing.

Part of him knows he should put it back, but there's something heavy here that's drawing him in. Maybe it's that the paper looks like it got wet somehow, maybe it's how rumpled it looks. Before he can decide otherwise, he carefully opens up the letter. It's addressed to him anyway.

Something seizes in his chest as he starts reading the piece of paper. _At least I'm out of your hair, right?_ He tries to sit down, but forgets there isn't anything behind him, so he falls backwards.

Not even the feeling of landing on his ass distracts him as he reads Ben's messy handwriting. His breath is catching in his throat and he realizes that he can't read the rest because his hand is shaking and his eyes are blurring. He blinks hard so he can finish.

_Ben is so. Is so._ Hal swallows hard and tries to finish the sentence in his head. He can't believe that Ben is joking about his death in such a nonchalant way. It's one of the most terrible things that Hal can think of and his stupid brother is joking about it, not in the abstract, but when it almost happened.

Before he can think about it- this is crossing a whole different line, he knows but he doesn't care- he tears into Matt's letter and into Dad's. By the time he's done with them both, he needs to see Ben. Hal needs to see Ben _now_.

Hastily, he pushes the papers into his jacket pocket and jumps to his feet. It takes Hal a second to cycle through Ben's schedule enough to realize that he's probably getting food. Okay, excellent, he knows where that is.

Hal runs like something is chasing him, tearing through camp to reach Ben. When he sees him, standing off to the corner by himself, Hal strides towards him.

Ben looks like a deer in headlights when he sees Hal coming for him, which, in retrospect, Hal can understand. But Hal ignore his looks and reaches out to grab him. Before Ben can react, Hal pulls him into a tight embrace, careful not to touch his spikes.

At first, Ben is rigid against him. But, slowly, Ben relaxes into his hug. He even brings his own arms to hug him back.

His fingers are digging painfully into Hal's back, but Hal likes it. It's a needed reminder that Ben is okay, Ben is here, Ben is _alive_. Nothing is better or more important right now.

Hal's not brave like Ben is; he doesn't think that he could ever write down his regrets and how much he loves Ben, even if he knew he was about to die, so he knows that there's no way that he could tell Ben what he's feeling in this moment. He hopes that Ben can feel it anyway.

Maybe Ben is feeling it- Hal can feel traces of dampness against his neck. They'll pretend it's sweat later, he knows.

When they pull apart, his arm is still wrapped around Ben's shoulders to keep him close. His brother is smiling tentatively at him and Hal can feel how heavy his own smile is, weighed down with the self-deprecating and lovingly cataclysmic words he just read.

There's a lot that they still have to figure out- Ben isn't the only one who has been bratty and unsympathetic. He knows that there are a lot of time when he should have been the bigger person, or when he thought he was being understanding, but he was actually being an idiot.

Yeah, they're gonna be okay, like Ben had written over and over, but only because Ben is still here.


End file.
